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| why am i posting here? because I feel it would be incredibly selfish for me to post such info for everyone to see. but here, not everyone sees it, and that's a good thing; maybe i'll move it over to facebook some other time.
but anyways, here's an entry i wrote back in 2003, from my freshman year in college...
This next entry is going to be from deep inside of me. I've always told
of mood swings, sadness, etc., but never told the reason why. Now I
tell you, and it is pretty simple: I'm lonly.
At my time here at A&M, I've made plenty of acqutainces, but
still yet to make a friend. Many nights, when I need someone the most,
when I need to talk about my feelings, there's no one. Sure, I can find
some people that fit that requirement over AIM, but text can only
express so much, and just seeing and interacting with the other person
you can see makes it so much better. One hour with a friend is better
than eight hours of chatting online.
Maybe next year will improve, and I'll find some good and/or "best"
friends. But considering the lack of success I've had so far, I don't
know if that will happen. Maybe I'll remain single and friendless for
the rest of my life, and live a life of
work-sleep-work-sleep-work-sleep till my death. I don't want my life to
turn out like this; I want it to be fun and dynamic.
I could just be a pessimist, or just impatient; maybe these things
take time. Then again, in my 8+ years in Sugar Land, I only became
really good friends with one person and friends with three or four, and
now college puts me apart from them, leaving me lonly once again. And
even those friendships were not obtained till my last two years of high
school. I know that's life; people come and go, born and die, argue and
reconcile. But to be lonly the majority of your life is not fun at all.
I don't know what to think now, and I feel I've said enough on this subject; I need to get back to studying for my exams.
and another one, around a month later:
One thing I realized tonight that I need to make an effort to reach out
to people to talk with them, and thus get to know them better. I keep
on blowing chances to make friends, and I thought I learned from my
mistakes, and yet I don't know why I keep on making them; it's my
anti-social side that just keeps on popping up every now and then, and
it's really annoying to me.
Then again, maybe that's a good thing; it would be kinda a hassle to
have 100+ friends. Still, I guess I shouldn't worry about it, and just
be myself. For friendship doesn't come from you pulling in people, but
people being attracted to who you are. It's like fishing; you put out
the bait, and the fishies (other people) come in and bite. Except it
doesn't hurt, and you don't get eaten, hopefully. OK, that was a bad
analogy, scratch that.
Another thing I just realized is that I need to stop worrying so
much; sometimes I feel that I worry so much I'm afraid all I'll be is
Mr. Worry. I just need to loosen up and not worry about the future, for
today already has enough worries.
ironically, i find myself all the way back at square one. not exactly the same, but the parallels are stikingly similar. Feeling lonely at times. Wondering about making a better effort with friends. Getting to know people. same with my last year in college; how fitting that my best years in college were bookend by some of the worst times in college, brought on by my own ignorance.
If I only had read my own advice that I wrote myself; gosh, how could I have forgotten so easily?
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| Does anyone even do xanga anymore? | | |
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Wii!
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| Why do I always draw myself into situations where I allow myself to get hurt? It's by God's design that it is meant to work like this, but why does this seem to happen to me so much on such a repeated cycle?
It's not a bad habit of mine (maybe it is), but something God has given to us that makes us human. As I began, with His help, to reclaim what has been tainted by the world, I thought it would improve and that I would have better discernment. But in the end, even if it was for the right reasons, the end result doesn't change.
It's not the fact that the choice in of itself that sucks, but rather, the feelings and emotions that come along with it...
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| Recently there's been a growing opportunity (at least in my eyes) of potentially fulfilling one of my life long dreams. The weird thing is, around the same time, there's suddenly a growing desire to do something else instead and turn down this dream. But I know that other desire doesn't compare, but for some reason it just does. If the dream outweighs it, why it is so hard to give it up?
And about this dream, sometimes I don't think it's it, but other times I think it is. I've run after what turned out to be mere illusions so many time before, so I'm really hesitant to see if this is any different. And with it coming and going seemingly sometimes, it feels like it's like the past all over again. But there are differences this time around, real differences, and maybe that will give me insight.
At the very least, in the end of all of this, I would have learn even more about chasing after the right dream...
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